The First Step to Emotional Regulation
Have you ever had to give yourself a pep talk to find some inner strength and master your emotions?
You are not the only one. I have had to say to myself, “Pull it together!” to push past grief, stress, and complete overwhelm to make dinner for my family. This art of pulling it together - trying to get emotions under control – is a healing human impulse. Regulating our own emotions is our attempt at getting back to normal after a loss, self-soothing after a disappointment, or calming down when we are ready to flip our lid.
As a parent, most times your children’s eyes are watching as you respond to fear, grief, anger, pain, or any of the other many emotions. We are human with various flavors and natures that make up who we are. Some of us are easygoing, others are quick to tears or anger. It may be difficult to feel different emotions and not lose control. No matter your personality type or genetic traits, self-regulating emotions is a vital life skill. You are your child's role model, and they internally mirror what they see from you.
On the flip-side, when you hide your emotions to protect them, it’s confusing. Not knowing how to deal with big emotions leaves them insecure and fearing the unknown.
You are the Role Model
Show them that you have both high and low feelings at times, and that it’s OK. Emotions are a way of expressing how we are doing. Avoiding the expression only means holding onto the strong feeling. If you want to release it, you have to lean in and feel it. Are you sad? Frustrated? Outright angry? Or, anxious? The first step in learning to regulate yourself and your emotions is determining what they are and where in a continuum they fall.
Similarly, your child’s emotions tell you when they are out of balance or stabilized and neutral. Before they learned to talk, their language was based on their emotional and physical feelings. A cry would signal they need help. You’d guess if they are hungry, have a dirty diaper, the swaddle is too tight, or are experiencing gas pains. Eventually, you start understanding their needs.
Toddlers cry when they fall. Your preschoolers have explosive tantrums or purposefully overturn their plate of food just to get your attention. They might even hit another child because that child touched their coveted magic school bus. Your middle schooler will choose to slam their door or stomp their feet when you say "no", or they are angry at a situation. Teens might go silent to make their angry and upset situations known. And it goes on and on to adulthood.
Kids and Strong Emotions
As parents, we need to respect (and most importantly listen to) our children as they communicate their strong feelings in whatever form they come. I am not talking about tolerating it but seeking to understand their behaviors and the message they are sending. Being impatient, upset, or angry with them is not only destructive to their development of empathy but also disconnects you from them. They learn that their feelings aren’t important or aren’t appropriate.
Dismissed emotions eventually are expressed through silence, whining, temper tantrums, refusing to cooperate, or a slew of many other unpleasant behaviors.
So, what do you do instead?
Teach them how to understand and listen to their own emotions. This will bolster their mental and emotional health. They will develop emotional literacy, self-esteem, worthiness, and an ability to regulate their bodies and behaviors.
Teaching your Child to Categorize Emotions
A child can only learn to cope with their emotions once they understand what they are feeling.
For toddlers, you can use visual aids to help them categorize their emotions, as it might be impossible for them to verbally communicate their feelings. Try making different faces to demonstrate what various emotions look like. You can also use books or flashcards to teach emotions. This baseline step of teaching emotions is the foundation for a stable emotional future.
For your preschoolers, you can help them understand that emotions are a language - a way of communicating. When they talk to you, acknowledge them and be clear you are listening. When they are calm and old enough to talk, help them communicate, label, and express their emotions. You can do this by verbalizing and modeling your own emotional states or naming theirs.
This preschool age range is a critical period of development. It’s when we suggest introducing the emotion categorization system. Sounds complex, but it’s actually quite simple.
Help them to classify their emotions into these four categories:
Low energy or Blue category: Tired, sick, or sad
Optimal zone or Green category: Happy, focused, calm
Escalated or Yellow category: Frustration, worry, wiggly
Out of control or Red category: Aggression, anger, extreme fear or excitement
You can use charts like the ones below to help them identify their emotional state and to determine into which category their feelings fall.
If your kiddos are older, you can reference the barking dog, wise owl hand signal as a way to categorize their emotions. Thank you Dr. Dan Siegel and Georgetown University! This video will give more detail about the hand signal.
Barking dog represents the limbic system or emotional control center. When the dog is barking, we are out of balance and might be in the Yellow or Red category. If the dog is sleeping, we might be in the Blue category. When the dog is satisfied and happy, we’re in the Green category.
Similarly, for teens, you might use the upstairs brain and downstairs brain. Upstairs brain is your thinking and logic brain or the prefrontal cortex - same as the wise owl. Downstairs brain is also referred to as the barking dog.
Teaching Sequence
I recommend this sequence for teaching a categorization system:
Flood them with exposure to the categories by referencing them in books, movies, shows, or any other form of media.
Label the categories of people around you and the child.
Label and state your own category.
Finally, label the child’s category. Do this frequently, because categories change multiple times throughout the day, even multiple times within a short period.
Kids can get really defensive when we label their category for them, so it’s best to wait until they’ve had exposure in many other forms. Also, by stating other people’s categories as well as your own, it normalizes the different categories so children don’t feel so isolated in their strong feelings.
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Other Ideas for Teaching about Emotions
You can probe for answers that will help them express their feelings. What is going on? I see you are crying. Do you want to spend some time alone to settle yourself?
When they are calm (in the Green category), ask if they are interested in working with you to figure out a more effective way to get what they want.
This piece is important. If we skip the problem-solving portion, they will end up in the same place with the same behaviors next time.While reading them stories, ask them to describe the feelings of the characters or ask them to categorize the emotions in the colored categories.
Help them label their emotions throughout the day.
For instance, “Your body is telling me you are sad that we can’t play outside. What can we do to cheer you up?” Be VERY careful not to tell them “what they are” because that can lead to shaming and blaming. Instead, use the phrase, “Your body is telling me…” Why? Because you can back it up with evidence, and you’re talking about their body/behaviors (something they can change) and not their personality (something much harder to change).Sing songs or make up songs to learn about their feelings. Like the Hello song, "Hello, Hello, Hello and how are you? I'm fine, I'm fine, and I hope that you are too."
Keep in mind that emotional regulation isn’t about controlling or dismissing your child’s feelings. It’s teaching them the meaning behind their feelings and how to express them appropriately. Having strong feelings isn’t bad or wrong, it’s how we display them that can be concerning. It’s not a one-off lesson, either. You have to constantly teach them how to respectfully and responsibly get what they want.
Think about it this way…
When you are learning a new language, do you pick everything up the first time? No! You need multiple exposures for it to land in your memory bank.
You’re helping your kiddos create new neural connections in their brain. These connections only override the inappropriate behaviors when they’ve been practiced enough that the brain defaults to the new connection. That's where most fail. They try it a few times and say it doesn’t work. Well, that’s because the brain is defaulting to old habits. So, give it some time and practice because it’ll be worth it in the long run.
My friends, this teaching of emotional categorization is such an imperative step in behavior management and self-regulation. “Only when you can name your feelings can you tame your feelings,” said Dr. Dan Siegel. Build this foundation from the bottom up, and you WILL see progress.
Skip this step and you'll be doing a lot of backtracking.
It all sounds simple enough, but lasting change only happens with commitment, consistency, and time. That’s why we hire personal trainers to get in shape or nutritionists to coach us on how to eat better.
Let US be your behavior coach and guide you through this child-rearing and child-educating journey. We do free discovery calls to see if our coaching sessions are right for you.
And with that, I wish you all happy categorizing!
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