Improve Communication: Less is More
When it comes to kids, do you find yourself talking, lecturing, or repeating what you said over and over again? Resulting in getting annoyed and then raising your voice or yelling?
And even then, your kiddos give you blank stares of disobedience and defiance?
Every parent and educator would love to have their kids listen without cajoling, lecturing, or threatening them, right? It sounds like an easy task, but it needs intention and consistency. There is a big difference between diving orders (AKA taking away power and control) and communicating in such a way that sets kids up for success and builds strong relationships. Yes, there will be times that we’ll lose our minds a little and yell, but that shouldn’t hold us back from learning how to better communicate with our kids.
Remember...our outer voice becomes their inner voice. What they see and hear from us is what they will repeat in their own lives and relationships.
We have gone through three disarming communication strategies so far: I See, Giving Choices, and using Humor. I hope you’ve been trying them out and have started seeing results. Let me know how it’s going. Fill me in using the Comments below!
Today, we’ll talk about the “one-word strategy” and how to use it to effectively communicate with your child.
It’s always exasperating for parents when kids do what they know they aren’t supposed to do. We think they will have an “A-ha!” moment if we talk to them over and over again until it sinks in. So, we end up lecturing only to bear zero fruit.
What’s wrong with lecturing?
Glad you asked. Other than being ineffective, everything is wrong with lecturing.
Academic researchers have discovered that students learn better from engagements than lectures. With parenting, research has shown that nagging, lecturing, or scolding children doesn’t inspire cooperation.
Think about it.
How does it feel when you listen to someone talking about how displeased they are with your work at length? It’s never encouraging to hear them say how far we’ve fallen below their expectation.
Children feel the same way. The more frequent you give lectures, the more they’ll be defensive, resentful, and even log you out. They stop listening.
What do you do instead of lecturing?
Have you ever heard kids say, “I can’t wait until I’m grown up, so I can boss my kids around”?
If you’ve heard your child say that, it’s because they think you boss them around. Maybe you’re always telling them, “Go pick up your clothes . . . now!” Don’t worry, you are not alone. We’ve all fallen in that category at one time or another.
Instead of “bossing” or lecturing, why not try being brief using our one-word communication strategy.
Better yet, join our course From Conflict to Calm: Communicating with Challenging Children where we talk all about how to stop lecturing your kiddos and what to do instead. ALL the behavior and communication tips and hacks.
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How to use the One-Word Strategy
Almost 100% of the time, we end up lecturing because we have already said the thing over and over again. We get frustrated and start hounding kids about it.
What if we came up with one-word reminders?
For instance, when your kiddo comes home from school, they have to empty their lunch kit, put the water bottle in the dishwasher, and give you any school forms. If you have to explain all these things every day, it’s bound to exhaust YOU before it’s a habit for them. Instead of going through all that, why not call it backpack duties.
It saves you from having the negative after-school interaction. If they forget to do it, just say “Backpack duties”, and they’ll remember.
Not only does it save you energy, but it gives them some power and control….. something we often take away with our communication. It lets them decide how to do the thing we’re asking but in their own way.
Here’s another example…
When a child needs to brush their teeth or get dressed, instead of lecturing, just say, “Toothbrush” or “School clothes.” It guides them without telling them, making it more likely to get compliance the first time.
We humans don’t like losing power and control, so this is a simple way to give it back to your children. But, don’t forget body language and keep your tone neutral. The way in which you share the message matters.
The other trick is keeping it brief, so the statements are easy to process. When you’ve made agreements together in advance, all they need is one-word reminders, clues, or guidance.
If the towel is left on the floor… Towel.
If dirty dishes are left on the dining table… Dishes.
Give it a shot this week! See if it works and let me know how it goes in the Comments below.
Questions? Need help? Reach out!
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