Improve Communication by Giving Kids Choices
We have to admit that a big part of raising kiddos is preparing them for the world. We want to be sure they are equipped with the required skills to succeed in life and to cope with failures.
Kids grow SO fast. The time to equip them with these skills is now, and the younger the better. Over the last two weeks, we have been learning about disarming communication with children. Communication is a two-way street so as we talk with them, we are teaching them how to talk with others. We’ve looked at how to use body language to effectively communicate and how to use the ‘I see’ strategy.
Check out our From Conflict to Calm: Communicating with Challenging Children course to dig deeper into all 7 disarming communication strategies.
This course is geared toward teachers, but the same concepts work for parents, too. Check it out to learn all the communication hacks!
Today, we’ll dive into the Choices Strategy. I know this one probably doesn’t sound new or mindblowing, but if you’re using it correctly, it can be!
Imagine spending an entire day monitoring your children’s activities. As soon as you notice them struggling, you step in just before the argument on whose turn it was to play. Immediately after, your 5-year-old refuses to follow the instructions you have given, and you’re prepared for a consequence to teach them a lesson. Your day is literally spent on the lookout for what’s wrong with your kiddos, so you can correct it.
Now, what happens when you can no longer monitor their every step? How will they know what choices to make on their own? Isn’t the whole point of parenting to raise kids who can make decisions on their own, to enable kids to be independent of us?
I like what the authors of the book Parenting with Love & Logic say,
“Making good choices is like any other activity: it has to be learned.”
Getting kiddos to listen can look like a standoff sometimes. They want to play instead of wearing their pajamas. They act like you’re not speaking until you come up with some sort of bargain. And even then, they push their little sister off the bed.
I realized that offering choices is the key to reducing these power struggles and getting them to listen. BUT, it’s in how you offer them that matters most.
So, how can we stop policing our kiddos and give them some control to make independent choices?
Importance of Offering Choices
Sometimes, kiddos feel a loss of power and control. Giving them choices helps them gain a sense of control.
Kids feel heard and empowered when offered choices. The world is dominated by so many adult decisions. Offering them choices shows them that they matter, and their opinion counts.
Choices also force them to think. They weigh their options and choose what they see fit. Instead of always following orders, they learn to think on their own.
Choices are also an opportunity to learn. As odd as it seems, they get to experience the consequences of their choices, even the not-so-good ones. In most cases, kiddos will always follow through with the choices they have made themselves because there’s pride and ownership in them.
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How to Use the Choices Strategy
Be Fair
As parents, we see ourselves as the authority figures in our kids’ lives. As a result, most of the choices we give are more like ultimatums or threats. “Pick up the clothes on your bedroom floor or else…”
The Choice Strategy isn’t about dishing out threats. It’s about giving your kiddo two options for how, when, or where they should do something. You should have two choices that are fair and acceptable to your child.
For instance, you might say, “Do you want to start with picking up your clothes or making your bed?” And join them at it. Don’t threaten them into doing something because that doesn’t build relationships. Respect begets respect.
Keep the Choices Simple
Don’t give them heavy choices to make a decision on. Things like what time to sleep or what to eat are a burden to them. Instead, give them choices that fit into their world. Something like, “Are you going to use a red or a blue plate today?”
Also, stick with parent-approved choices. If you want to go for a walk, ask “Do you want to go with me for a walk or stay at home?” If they aren’t old enough to stay at home alone, don’t give that option. Instead, ask “Do you want to ride your bicycle or walk with me?”
Offer Motivating Choices
For kiddos to do something, they should feel motivated to do it, right? Not pushed into doing it. You can even ask them to give you an additional third choice of what they’d like to do.
This way, they feel in control of the situation. They see that you care about their opinion, and you listen to them. A sample script might be, “Do you want to ____ or ____ or maybe you have another idea?”
Remember, don’t jump and critique their attempts. Appreciate the effort and initiative, then you can offer your suggestion in a loving and caring way. Don’t put all your focus on the end result (a clean room), but more on the learning process that’s happening.
Little by little they’ll start feeling responsible. This attitude helps them in making good choices in the future.
Try giving your kiddos choices, then come back and let us know how it went in the comments below. This is one of my favorite topics, so please contact me if you need help!
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