Communicating with Kids: Saying How You Feel
Parenting is certainly one life-changing experience. You’re often playing catchup to kids' feelings and antics every day as they grow. They, too, are going through different new challenges that make them experience various emotions and complex feelings. Add this to the day-to-day societal expectations, other family members/children, hormones, and your kiddo’s emotional outburst may sometimes be directed at you.
As parents and educators, it’s difficult to deal with the experience of having our children hurt our feelings. It’s painful when you have to deal with their intense emotional outbursts when you’re already stressed out and fatigued with work, taking care of the family, and all the other life things.
Today, we’ll talk about having a healthy conversation with your kiddo about how you feel. Why? Because it shapes their behavior in a sustainable and natural way.
First things first: it’s important to know that your feelings are valid. For parents and educators, it’s easy to dismiss our feelings and put everyone else’s above ours. It’s easy to think you’re being sensitive or overreacting as long as you’re not hurting your kiddo’s feelings.
If you are a parent, you are your child’s first and best teacher. If you are a teacher, you're a child's role model. If you model healthy communication by expressing your feelings positively, your kiddo learns how to manage their emotions. Discussing feelings can also help them develop empathy and compassion, bringing you closer as a family.
Communicating with your child isn’t as easy as it sounds. No one expects you to be perfect. It takes time to develop the skills. Be patient with yourself. Continue learning and give yourself grace as you implement these communication strategies.
How to communicate your feelings effectively.
When communicating feelings to your kiddos, it’s important to use the “I feel…” statements.
Using “I feel…” statements makes the conversation grounded around your feelings instead of being based on accusations and blame games. For instance, there is a difference between these two statements:
“I feel sad when you don’t answer when I ask you about your day.”
and
“I am upset and annoyed about how you’ve been acting lately when spoken to.”
In the first statement, you’re inviting a conversation and encouraging them to talk with you. With the second statement, kids will most likely be defensive and not talk.
Keep reading for some mistakes to avoid when using the “I feel…” statements.
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Don’t make assumptions about your child’s feelings.
Saying, “I feel like you’re very angry lately.” is judging and making an assumption of how your kiddo feels. Focus on how YOU feel, and let them tell you how they are feeling.
For example, use a statement like this: “Your body language tells me something is wrong.”
Don’t blame your child for your feelings.
Statements like “You’re making me feel bad when you yell.” can be interpreted as blaming them for how you feel. This will make them angry as well as defensive, so you’ll not have a conversation or build the relationship.
Try comparing your feelings to something else to explain how you feel. For example, “I have the patience of a pea, right now.”, in place of “You are making me lose my patience.”
Avoid “but” statements.
“I feel upset by what you said yesterday, but if you had done what I said, we wouldn't be having this conversation.”
Try to keep the conversation centered around YOUR feelings. “But” statements only create a distraction from what you were feeling and often negate the purpose. Keep the conversation simple and centered on feelings.
When & How to talk to your kiddos.
It’s important to create a safe space when talking to children about how their actions make you feel. Always approach them when you’re calm and collected. Use a calm tone and positive body language. Minimize distractions like the TV, and talk in a private space - don’t shout across the hallway or talk in front of others.
Most importantly, be ready to listen and even apologize if you’re in the wrong. Work together to find a solution. Don’t make it too tense and use humor, if need be.
We talk more about the seven strategies of effective communication in our course From Conflict to Calm: Communicating with Challenging Children.
Check it out to perfect that disarming communication and build stronger relationships!
This wraps up our Communication series. I’d like to believe we are now equipped to communicate with our children effectively. We presented a whole lot of information, though. If you would like some help implementing these strategies, be sure to reach out for a free phone call to discuss. I’m always happy to help.
Questions? Need help? Reach out!
Email: hello@thebehaviorhub.com
Social media: @thebehaviorhub
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